I am now out of backup posts. Up until now, my posts had been scheduled in advance so that I could have at least six weeks before needing to pull my brain together to write again. But that was as far ahead as I was able to get. Now, I have to start trying to think again.
I am wondering when things will start to feel manageable. I’m wondering when life will begin to feel less chaotic. Mainly, I’m wondering when my brain will work again. Other moms say it’s never really the same.
As much as I miss functioning, I can’t say I really mind.
I am so in love with this little baby that consumes my days and nights and all my energy.
Our sweet baby boy, Levi Joel, was born February 16, 2016. He weighed 8 pounds, 15 ounces and was 21 inches long.
Every time I look at him, I’m reminded of the miracle of life and the fact that each precious person is only possible because of a loving Creator. Yet, I still can’t comprehend it. I can’t comprehend any of it.
I am completely amazed by what God has done through me, and what He continues to do each day.
As our family has grown, my view of God has exponentially expanded. And I have been completely humbled.
I can’t begin to unpack how God is growing my heart each day my son grows.
I can’t explain how small, weak, and helpless I feel, yet keenly aware of God’s power fueling strength within me.
I can’t begin to tell how difficult this whole journey is, while at the same time, how precious and wonderful.
I can’t describe how I have seen the glory of God on display, or how He has carried me through every minute, or how I am beginning to glimpse the Father’s overwhelming love as I experience an overwhelming love for my baby.
Instead, I will keep trying to learn to be present. To soak it all in as best I can. To breathe in the moments and really live. I am terrible at this. And I don’t know what it looks like to be present in this season. But I am learning.
I am learning to lean into the season I am in now, to embrace the difficulty and the beauty all together.
As my world changes, so will my writing here. I hope to keep writing regularly (or, rather, to start it up again). I hope to keep posting regularly.
Writing has always helped me to exercise being present.
But right now, being present looks like drowning in dirty diapers and drool and spit up.
It means postponing the laundry one more day to spend a little more time memorizing baby smiles.
It means sacrificing sleep to love on this beautiful little person God has placed in my life.
It means letting go of myself and learning to give wholeheartedly to someone else.
I covet your prayers as I learn to navigate this new life of dying to myself and depending on God to be the strength for all of my weakness.
May we all find ways to be more present in our daily lives. May we learn to experience the fullness of God—His love, His strength, His goodness, His mercy…—in the every day. May our smallness tell the story of His greatness. And may our eyes be lifted up to the Lord in all things. Amen.